Before You Say "I Do"

People most times rush into saying "l Do" before they really mean to say so. This, in the long run, affects their happiness and fulfillment in marriage. In order to reduce dissatisfaction and unhappiness in marriage, the partners ought to master the 10 steps towards happiness and fulfillment in marriage before they say "I Do."

1. Understand the institution of marriage
It should be noted that marriage, as an institution, is a divinely ordained institution, which has God’s first class interest. God formed marriage and made it a sacred union. It is therefore necessary for the partners in marriage to know that the institution is bigger than the individual with whom they form the union, and as such, greater commitment should be made towards the success of the institution.

2. Understand that marriage is the union of imperfect beings
It should also be noted that marriage is the union of two imperfect beings, who made holy vows before a perfect God to form a perfect home. One of the major sources of conflict in marriage is the sudden realization that one’s partner is not really who he or she thought they were. The earlier we learn this, the happier we become in marriage, and life at large, that nobody is perfect. Cognizance should be taken of the fact that everyone has one form of weakness or the other; that man or woman has one form of insecurity or the other, which he/she hides and protects from outside attacks, which would become obvious in marriage. Adequate provision should be made to accommodate it when it appears.

3. Marriage is an unchanging institution of changing individuals
Do not for any reason think or assume that you know everything about your partner. No matter how lovingly you date and court, you will never grow to know your partner 100 percent. Shortly after the 25th year anniversary of my parent, I overhead my father say that he did not know that my mother behaved in a particular way. Could you imagine people who had been married that long saying such a thing? The human mind undergoes a change on a daily bases. As more and more things get into it, it changes, and the individual changes with it. Things that happen around us form and reform our mindsets, and as such, alter our behaviors.

4. Partners sometimes are unlovable
A partner being unlovable does not mean that we should stop loving our partners along the way. What I mean here is the feeling of love. A time comes when your partner provokes you or irritates you. Sometimes, partners change in their characters, and you feel like killing them, but that is just a fleeting moment of anger which does not last for a long time. It even gets to a stage where the feeling of love dies, and you just dwell with the mere chaff. This is the period to employ your unyielding love to bring the feeling back. Don’t pack your suitcase and bolt through the door. Remember that there is no going back in marriage. Once you are married, you are forever married till death do you part.

5. Understand the essence of marriage
Understanding of a thing eliminates the chances of such thing being abused. If a successful marriage is what you need, you have to take time to understand the real essence of marriage. It should be understood before marriage, that the real essence of it is not procreation. It’s true that it’s one of the reasons to marry, but it’s not the ultimate reason. You have to know that marriage is chiefly ordained for companionship. The highest cause of conflict in marriage has always been the absence of offspring in the union. Children are just a by-product of the love the partners shared. Companionship and mutual compliment should be esteemed higher in marriage, because that is the real essence of getting married.

6. Make sure you understand your partner
The understanding of the man or woman you intend to say "l do" to is of paramount importance if success must be achieved in your marriage. The understanding of your spouse’s weaknesses and strengths, likes and dislikes, goals and dreams will go a long way in shaping the fate of your home. The essence of dating and courtship is not a platform for fun and jamboree, neither is it a golden opportunity to have illegitimate sex. No! It is made to avail you time to study your partner. You have to know why he acts the way he or she does, you need to understand what trills him or her, and what turns him or her off. When you properly understand the guy or gal, you make a wiser decision, either to quit or go ahead to say "l do." Remember that a broken courtship is better than a broken home.

7. Be whole
Wholeness should be attained before you say "l do." This is because marriage is a union of whole individuals. Blissful marriages over time are those formed by whole individuals who are not tormented by the hurts of the past. Before you say “l do”, try to lay aside all the pains and disappointments of your previous love life. It is very dangerous to carry the debris of your past relationship(s) into the new home. Do not also expect your new partner to be like your ex. Remember they are two separate beings who could never be the same. Lay aside all the emotional hang-over of your past love life, and enter the new one with a wholly new and fresh mindset. People; however, rush into marriage because they seek healing for the wounds inflicted on them by their past love lives. You may never find happiness and fulfillment in your new marriage, because your spouse may be blind in that regards, and as such prolong the healing of the wounds. Get the wounds healed and the scares erased before venturing into a new relationship. If you fail to get healed before getting into your next affaire, your partner may take advantage of your condition and vulnerability and ensure you. Therefore, before you say “l do”, be whole.

8. Learn to love
Learning to love has to do with loving your particular partner aright. I know you may be wondering why it’s not the first step. No. Not at all. We cannot use love alone to make a home successful. This does not mean that this is less important, but most of us don’t even know what it means to love. Had we the proper understanding of love, our marriages would have been a lot more successful. But our lack of that understanding has limited us and our joy. Learning to love is a life-long adventure, which no one should claim a mastery of.

However, in marriage, the most important thing is not loving our partners, but loving our partners the right way. Just as different people have different things they call beauty, so also do they have different love-needs. If you diligently meet the self-decided love need of your partner without trying to understand such, the actual love need, you end up wasting your time and starving your partner of love. Therefore, before you say “l do”, try to first of all learn to differentiate between feelings and love, because love is not totally a feeling. Learn also what love and loving really is. After that, narrow it down to your partner. Learn your partners love needs, and finally, meet those needs.

9. Be mature
Marriage is not a child’s play. It is not a toll for the fickle minded feeble. Marriage is for the matured individual. Venturing into a lifelong affair, as a child, is like embarking on a suicide mission. So, before you say “l do”, get matured. This maturity we are talking about has nothing to do with age. Age is just a number, and has nothing to do with maturity. At least shortly after puberty, one gets ready for procreation, and as such has become matured for marriage, if that was the basis of measuring maturity. Before you say “l do”, you have to get matured in at least these three basic areas, economically, mentally, and physically.

I have mentioned the place of physical maturity earlier. It’s of paramount importance to get physically matured for marriage before venturing into it. One has to grow and develop properly. A child should not be forced into marriage. If any child even decides to, such should not be encouraged, because marriage is a game that adults play.

Again, mental maturity is a very important prerequisite for success in marriage. Marriage is a responsibility invested institution, which should not be entered into by irresponsible and immature youngsters. Mental maturity entails proper understanding of one’s role in marriage, and the preparedness to play such role. Above all the required mental maturity traits of marriage is self actualization and independence. Before you say “l do”, be independent–minded.

Finally, be economically matured. Have a well established source of income that would be able to bear the financial responsibilities of marriage. Don’t make the mistake of marriage without a reliable source of income. It could be that you’re a business person, or an employee of a firm, or whatever. But make sure you have a source of income. This applies more to the guys.

10. Seek help
Yes, help should be sought for before you say "I do." Pray to God for help, because you may not really know what marriage is, or who your partner is. Pray to God to guide you. Ask him to open your eyes to understand the real character of your partner.

Also, go for marriage counseling. Seek the advice of any person that is successful in marriage. Don't ask anyone whose marriage is not succeeding for advice, lest such gives you reasons not to succeed also. Ask your pastors and priests. Ask your close relatives for help. After you’ve done these things, read the next issue to see the characteristics and virtues of dating and courtship that culminate into a successful marriage. Shalom.